Closure

Closure

There are three emotional stages when someone faces a disaster. The first one is denial. Next one is anger. And finally, it’s acceptance. However, I’d like to add one more which is closure.

My father left me and my family on Friday, January 13th, 1995, at around 10 pm. He left my mom, my three sisters, me and my brother.

On that fateful evening, my aunt’s family came to our house with the news that my dad was involved in a train accident. I woke up, half confused when they took us in their car to their house. My uncle had a conversation with my mom and she broke down in tears. My youngest sister who wasn’t even 1 year old cried as well in my mom’s arms.

My brother, my two other sisters and I, upon seeing mother crying, could tell that something really bad must have happened. We then fell down hugging each other in tears. We were in an extreme denial that we would never be able to see him anymore.

I have never told anyone how sad I had been. I didn’t get the chance to say good bye. I didn’t get the chance to be the good son he always wanted and I wanted to say I’m sorry. I wanted to play badminton, soccer, chess, carrom again with him. I wanted him to see how far I had gone in life. I wanted to tell him that I had been able to go to the highschool he told me about when I was still in primary school, that I managed to study abroad. Most of all, I really wanted to tell him that I managed to marry a beautiful wife. I had really missed him a lot.

For quite a long time, I was in denial. I kept imagining that he just went away on business and someday he’s going to finally come home. Since that never happened, my denial went to the second stage that I kept going to the railway station where he worked. I kept imagining that he was one of the passengers or the crews and I would see him getting off one of the cars. My denial went for quite a while that often I look at middle aged men with curly hair whose back facing me, hoping that when they turned around one of them would be him.

I had stopped waiting for him to come home. I had stopped looking at other people hoping that one of them would be my dad. I had gotten passed the anger stage because I understand that he never meant to leave us behind. I had accepted the fact that he is not in this world anymore.

I’m hoping that I would get a closure with writing this post. Our family have never really talked about the fact that he’s really gone. I have never really talked to anyone else about this sad fact which I believe had changed my life so much. I had always pitied myself because of it. I had always seen myself as a victim whenever something doesn’t go the way I expected. The time has come for me to get a closure on losing my father which means that I have to start thinking that I am my own man.

This is the hardest thing to say, and I had never really said it sincerely, but “Good bye, Dad. I love you and I miss you. Always”

~ by dwida on February 25, 2007.